Solace Ep. 41

Justin: When Alisa looked up at me again, her eyes were fiery, filled with renewed anger. “I want to ruin you, Justin. I want you to be broken as much as I was—as I am. I want to make you feel every single shred of pain that you have made me feel.”

I held my breath. I knew there was stuff going around about me but I really don’t blame whoever had spread those rumors, since I did all those actions—well, most of it, since I don’t sleep with every woman I date. That was probably the one thing that wasn’t true. But yes, I flirt with women whom I know have boyfriends, and yes, I prey on the innocent.

I am a bad guy—and I don’t need Nyah to tell me that more than once that what I am doing is bad. Mom had talked to me about it—even Dad and I had a man-to-man talk about how women are “special creations of God” not meant to be hurt and taken for granted of.

I get all their points but I can’t stay in a relationship especially when it started to get serious. I can’t allow somebody to get attached to me, to need me, to form their lives around mine, and to allow them to mold our lives together—just as I did with Alisa. That’s why I left so many ladies. That’s why I had hurt so many people. That’s why I earned that reputation that I knew I would regret someday—and that someday is now.

Alisa breathed deeply, her face flushing in what seemed to be both anger and embarrassment. “I wrote blog entries about you, sent anonymous hate mails. It didn’t help that your cause that you were making a name out of yourself there too—albeit a bad name. Other women, other ladies you have hurt made the same thing that I have done. I was so full of anger and hate towards you that I allowed it to feed me and lived in it in the past years. I hated every guy after you because I lost faith in them. I hated myself, Justin. I hated myself.”

She stood up and walked towards me. I thought for a moment she was about to slap me—hard. She didn’t.

Alisa reached up and touched my face. ““But you’re right, Justin. Whatever had happened—the choices I had made—after you and I had broken up, it wasn’t your fault. The only way out for me at that time was to blame you for whatever mishaps had happened to me. Everything was all on me. We both had bad reactions to the breakup and we didn’t try hard enough to see the good in it,” Alisa said, and I didn’t speak.

“I am sorry,” she whispered. I nodded, letting a tear escape from my eyes. “I am sorry, too—a long overdue sorry,” I said, and she smiled. She pulled me into a hug, and holding me as tight as she possibly could. We stayed that way for a long time before Alisa released me.

“I will talk to Alexi, okay?” Alisa said, and I shook my head.

“I prefer it if you won’t? She would think I merely said sorry to you because I want to get to her. Just don’t do anything. Maybe this is one consequence of my actions that I have to deal with,” I replied, giving her a half-smile. She sighed heavily and then shrugged. “Okay, if you say so,” she relented.

“I probably should go,” I told her, “I’m holding you up.” I turned to go and she stopped me by the arm.

“Take care of yourself, JD,” Alisa said. She gave me a small, bittersweet smile, and I nodded. I headed for the door and exited.

Before I closed the door, I said, “You too, Isa. Take care.”

I heard the click of the door as I pulled it to a close, heaving a sigh as I walked away from Alisa—probably for good.